Inner Strength

Recently, I have been learning the value of waiting on the Lord. I've found that much strength will come as we wait upon him. In December, our school suffered a devastating blow. We lost funds that we were getting (and depending on). We immediately had to cut support staff. We were told this was round one of the cuts and that teachers were next. The next month, we had a staff member get arrested and suspended, which emotionally tore apart his current and past students. Then, in the month of March, they told us they would be cutting 11 teaching positions. That is 17% of our staff. This is huge to our small school. Other local schools with multiple buildings in their district only cut 3 or 4 positions. To us, 11 positions seems like too many. Too many to do business as usual. If the year wasn't difficult enough, waiting to find out if I had a job next year was.

I love my job. I was created to teach middle school Language Arts. If I lost by job, there is nothing else in the world I want to do. I love my job in a way that most people don't. I never call it "work," I always call it "school." Most days, I can't believe they pay me to do this. When I learned there would be a chance that I would lose my job, I experienced a sense of loss that I haven't felt in a while. On the night before they notified the teachers, I remembered my mother-in-law saying, "You can't see tears in the shower." So I went to the shower and poured my heart out to God. I became so scared, so unsure of my future, that I think I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. I felt like I needed to reach my ultimate breaking point in order to stand back up again and continue to be the strong person I was pretending to be. After my breakdown, I found an inner strength. But that night, I was scared because 24 hours from then, I would know if we would have to try to sell our house, if I'd be pulling out my resume or if I would feel security in a way I hadn't all school year. Either way, in 24 hours from that night, my heart would be breaking for myself, for my co-workers, for my school, but most importantly for my students. This loss will affect them the most. Fortunately, I learned the next day that my job is secure. I also learned that they are not done with cuts. I will continue to wait upon the Lord, and strength will continue to rise.