Inner Strength

Recently, I have been learning the value of waiting on the Lord. I've found that much strength will come as we wait upon him. In December, our school suffered a devastating blow. We lost funds that we were getting (and depending on). We immediately had to cut support staff. We were told this was round one of the cuts and that teachers were next. The next month, we had a staff member get arrested and suspended, which emotionally tore apart his current and past students. Then, in the month of March, they told us they would be cutting 11 teaching positions. That is 17% of our staff. This is huge to our small school. Other local schools with multiple buildings in their district only cut 3 or 4 positions. To us, 11 positions seems like too many. Too many to do business as usual. If the year wasn't difficult enough, waiting to find out if I had a job next year was.

I love my job. I was created to teach middle school Language Arts. If I lost by job, there is nothing else in the world I want to do. I love my job in a way that most people don't. I never call it "work," I always call it "school." Most days, I can't believe they pay me to do this. When I learned there would be a chance that I would lose my job, I experienced a sense of loss that I haven't felt in a while. On the night before they notified the teachers, I remembered my mother-in-law saying, "You can't see tears in the shower." So I went to the shower and poured my heart out to God. I became so scared, so unsure of my future, that I think I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. I felt like I needed to reach my ultimate breaking point in order to stand back up again and continue to be the strong person I was pretending to be. After my breakdown, I found an inner strength. But that night, I was scared because 24 hours from then, I would know if we would have to try to sell our house, if I'd be pulling out my resume or if I would feel security in a way I hadn't all school year. Either way, in 24 hours from that night, my heart would be breaking for myself, for my co-workers, for my school, but most importantly for my students. This loss will affect them the most. Fortunately, I learned the next day that my job is secure. I also learned that they are not done with cuts. I will continue to wait upon the Lord, and strength will continue to rise.

Each Word is a Gift

Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. -Ephesians 4:29

I have recently learned the value of being assertive. By nature, I've always been a passive person. I used to avoid conflict at all costs. I didn't like to call people out on things when they were wrong (except my sisters) and I didn't like to be called out when I was wrong. So, I just kept quiet. In the past couple years, I have learned that being passive is not the best option...especially if you want something to change. I've learned the value of being assertive. Not the value of being aggressive, which I believe should be left for people who are fighting diseases, but being assertive. If you are unhappy with a situation or a relationship, instead of dwelling on it and being negative, do something about it. There is always a kind way to address any situation. I've found that I feel better knowing that I can stand up for what I believe, when I make it clear how I want to be treated, what I will stand for, and what I refuse to be a part of. I find it to be totally empowering. However, mastering the last part of the Ephesians verse is the most challenging to me: Say only what helps, each word is a gift.

I have been entering in to these conversations prayerfully. And I have loved learning what I've learned through this. I do not seek out conflict, but I am at a point in life where I will not avoid it just to keep the peace.

In one of my classes, a student was talking about how since she read all the Harry Potter Books, her mother let her go to a midnight showing of the movie. Having been to one myself, I was curious how she thought it was. It didn't matter which movie, nor did it matter if she enjoyed it. I didn't like any of them, and I didn't even bother reading the books. I was more interested in the people she saw there. She said, "um. That is the last midnight showing I'll ever go to. Those people are weirdos." I smiled and replied (which I will probably never have the ability to say ever again) "I agree. I'm too normal for that." My students looked at me in disbelief as they couldn't believe I would ever say such a bold faced lie to their faces. But man, it felt good to say.

Updates, Updates

Brian and I got married on June 20, 2009. It was the best day of my life. So far, being married has been such a blessing. I have to admit, for the most part, very little has changed. Even on our wedding day, it just felt like I had the opportunity to spend time with Brian. I love that he doesn't have to leave at the end of the night, and I love that I wake up next to him. The first few moments of my day are complete and utter gratitude and joy...when I roll over and see him sleeping there. I love being his wife. Although, I am trying to learn how to do it well. I will attempt to update my blog as often as I can, with what I'm learning...but sometimes time flies too quickly and I can hardly keep up. But, I will try. For right now, I can tell you that I learned today, that being a stay at home wife, is not my calling. Thank God He wanted me to be a teacher...because today, I was making popcorn on the stove, and I caught the stove on fire. I'm learning lessons, all around :)

Blind Faith

The other day, I was in the grocery store and I saw a little girl holding her daddy's hand. I smiled at them, because I always think it's cute when I see daddys being good daddys. Then, I noticed that the little girl was walking with her eyes closed, with absolutley no hesitation. She just trusted that her daddy would lead her in the right direction.

In that moment, I prayed that I would trust my Father that much.

I was reminded recently of a story that I've been thinking about constantly.

The Israelites out-fought the Amalekites as long as Moses held up his arms, but they started losing whenever he had to lower them. Finally, Moses was so tired that Aaron and Hur got a rock for him to sit on. Then they stood beside him and supported his arms in the same position until sunset. That's how Joshua defeated the Amalekites. (Exodus 17:8-16)

I have so many people in my life who hold up my arms for me when I can't hold them up myself. Thank you...some of you are my strongest supports.

Last week I moved out of Greenfield. I moved in with a family who has loved me unconditionally from the moment I met them. They are cousins of Brians...and they are the most phenomenal people I've ever met. The day after I moved in, Pam, the mom of the family, found out she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been painful, but this family takes every setback in stride. As Pam walked in the door that day, I went right up to her and gave her a hug. The first thing she said was, "God must be ready to use this to witness to others."

Have you ever heard words from the mouth of a newly-diagnosed cancer patient? Humbling.

We are learning a lot in this house. God surely is moving. He's teaching us that he is the owner of our bodies, that trusting in God's timing is key, that even servants need to be served.