During our poetry unit, I had students write an “I Am” poem by filling in the blanks. For example, my sentence starter is “I worry about…” or “I cry for…” It was incredibly enlightening, so I combined one line from each poem and created one poem for each class period. After the teachers read these, we were so touched by them we decided that we would do a teacher poem so our students could have a glimpse into our hearts. Enjoy!

Period 1

I cry for my family, my sister, my dad, for being alone.

I hope I will make it to the NFL.

I understand I can’t succeed in everything, that all people make mistakes, that life is harder than it looks but has goodness.

I say I will succeed in life.

I hope I will always stay myself.

I want to be accepted, to be loved for me.

I pretend I have special abilities, that when I read that’s where I’m from, that problems don’t bother me, I pretend I’m accepted.

I wonder if anyone likes me, how far the stars are.

I dream the world can change.

I try to be a better person.

I feel stressed, that I can do anything, I feel the stress of being 13.

I touch the stars.

I hear people being ungrateful.

I want the adventure in this life so I don’t have to stay in this place.

I have faith that it will be better.

Period 2

I am careful, athletic, smart, funny.

I hear people giggling, whispers of ignorance.

I worry about my grandpa, my family, my sister, everything.

I worry a lot.

I understand one day I will die, that I will fail at times.

I cry for my family, my dad, my grandma.

I cry to be noticed, I cry for me.

I try to be kind, to be thankful.

I will be happy.

I am weird, imaginary, kind.

I pretend everything is always okay; everything is perfect, I’m always happy.

I pretend I’m not breaking on the inside.

I wonder if I can keep the ones I love with me forever, if I’ll ever find love, where the universe begins and ends.

I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I hope for peace.

I understand me and the limits of myself.

I feel sad, lovely, curious, confused.

I cry for my enemy, the bad that happened in the past.

I say I can change the world, practice makes perfect, never back down and try harder.

I wear my heart of my sleeve.

I dream that no one is hungry.

I want to be loved, to exist, to be the best, to have a good life.

I cry for everything, nothing, myself.

I pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I pretend I’m farther from here, if I smile, everything will be okay.

I wish to be happy with my life.

I am smart and hardworking, quiet and sad.

Period 4

I am artistic, happy, funny, nice, weird, outgoing, forgiving.

I wonder what the next chapter in my life will be like, if I’ll ever face fear, what tomorrow will bring, if anyone cares about me.

I hear hatred. I hear God leading me.

I see myself happy, proud. I see darkness.

I want to be a soccer player, to help others, to be happy, to be a good person.

I am lonely and depressed.

I wish I could be immune to pain, everything would fall into place, I could be loved, could fly away from bad habits.

I feel nothingness, lonely, sad at nights, that my life is changing.

I worry about my parents divorcing, my grades, that I will miss being a kid, about the way people see me, about dying alone, for others, for myself.

I cry for my uncle, about poverty, my grandma, my grandpa, my dad, about life, my mom.

I cry for my pain, I cry every night because I’m lonely.

I am awesome, curious, joyful, thankful, athletic.

I understand that life isn’t fair, that perfect isn’t real, people’s pain, that I’m not perfect, that I won’t always succeed.

I say never give up, Jesus rules, happiness is a gift.

I say try harder, God will come.

I dream for peace, for this ache to go away, of life, I’ll be the best I can ever be.

I try my best, to give 100%, to believe, to be tough.

I hope I will fly like an eagle someday.

I am faithful and blessed.

Period 8

I am smart and loving, weird, silly and respectful.

I wonder why people are so mean.

I see shame.

I want to reach my goals with my family by my side.

I want peace, respect, a life, to feel useful.

I want to be known.

I am funny, creative, athletic, honest, responsible, caring.

I wish there wasn’t hate in the world, that people would leave me alone.

I wish for gratitude, for peace, that life could fast forward,

I wish that people would be nicer to me, that I had more friends.

I feel stressed, worried, horrible, that the world is on my shoulders.

I feel strong, I feel that I can do anything.

I worry for grandma, my uncle, about my friend.

I worry for our school,

I worry that dad won’t come back.

I cry for my family, my grandparents, my cousin,

I cry for nothing, for being alone, for life.

I am kind.

I understand all people make mistakes, all people are different, that if I set a goal, I will achieve it.

I understand I’m not good at life, that I am not perfect.

I say believe anyway, everyone deserves a second chance, forgive.

I say little words with big meanings.

I dream that the world can change, that I can be the one to change the world

I dream of happiness, that life wouldn’t be so hard.

I try to be all I can be.

I hope I will succeed, that cancer can be cured, that I will always be myself.

I hope no one will ever try to change me.

I am listening.

Teachers:

I am self-motivated and easy going

I wonder if I will lose my job, what my dog would say if he could talk, how I will die, what more I can do

I hear the ocean, the roar of the crowd, the voice of God during difficult times

I see a future not so grim, I see success, I see potential

I want to be the best, to be cared for, to leave the world a better place than it was when I found it

I am competitive, determined and shy

I wish I was less quiet and shy toward meeting new people, that I could reach all my students, that life would slow down.

I feel pain when I can’t succeed, the stress of everyday life

I feel deeply blessed

I worry about my family, if my students will have a bright future, about losing a child, about finances, if my parents will get divorced

I cry when someone is upset, for my mother-in-law, for my grandpa, for my sister I no longer know, for the news and destruction around us

I am funny, caring, hard-headed.

I understand I can’t save everyone, that I may fail, that I have a hard time taking risks, that life isn’t fair

I say things happen for a reason, that we need to fight for our dreams

I say demand respect, life is what you make it, so give it all you’ve got

I say things are never as bad or good as they seem

I dream kids will seize every opportunity, about what life will be like in 10 years, that I will make a difference

I try to be better every day, to make myself a better person, to treat everyone equally, to help others

I hope I make the right choices, that people look out for one another

I hope my future is better than my past

I am patient.

Inner Strength

Recently, I have been learning the value of waiting on the Lord. I've found that much strength will come as we wait upon him. In December, our school suffered a devastating blow. We lost funds that we were getting (and depending on). We immediately had to cut support staff. We were told this was round one of the cuts and that teachers were next. The next month, we had a staff member get arrested and suspended, which emotionally tore apart his current and past students. Then, in the month of March, they told us they would be cutting 11 teaching positions. That is 17% of our staff. This is huge to our small school. Other local schools with multiple buildings in their district only cut 3 or 4 positions. To us, 11 positions seems like too many. Too many to do business as usual. If the year wasn't difficult enough, waiting to find out if I had a job next year was.

I love my job. I was created to teach middle school Language Arts. If I lost by job, there is nothing else in the world I want to do. I love my job in a way that most people don't. I never call it "work," I always call it "school." Most days, I can't believe they pay me to do this. When I learned there would be a chance that I would lose my job, I experienced a sense of loss that I haven't felt in a while. On the night before they notified the teachers, I remembered my mother-in-law saying, "You can't see tears in the shower." So I went to the shower and poured my heart out to God. I became so scared, so unsure of my future, that I think I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. I felt like I needed to reach my ultimate breaking point in order to stand back up again and continue to be the strong person I was pretending to be. After my breakdown, I found an inner strength. But that night, I was scared because 24 hours from then, I would know if we would have to try to sell our house, if I'd be pulling out my resume or if I would feel security in a way I hadn't all school year. Either way, in 24 hours from that night, my heart would be breaking for myself, for my co-workers, for my school, but most importantly for my students. This loss will affect them the most. Fortunately, I learned the next day that my job is secure. I also learned that they are not done with cuts. I will continue to wait upon the Lord, and strength will continue to rise.

Each Word is a Gift

Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. -Ephesians 4:29

I have recently learned the value of being assertive. By nature, I've always been a passive person. I used to avoid conflict at all costs. I didn't like to call people out on things when they were wrong (except my sisters) and I didn't like to be called out when I was wrong. So, I just kept quiet. In the past couple years, I have learned that being passive is not the best option...especially if you want something to change. I've learned the value of being assertive. Not the value of being aggressive, which I believe should be left for people who are fighting diseases, but being assertive. If you are unhappy with a situation or a relationship, instead of dwelling on it and being negative, do something about it. There is always a kind way to address any situation. I've found that I feel better knowing that I can stand up for what I believe, when I make it clear how I want to be treated, what I will stand for, and what I refuse to be a part of. I find it to be totally empowering. However, mastering the last part of the Ephesians verse is the most challenging to me: Say only what helps, each word is a gift.

I have been entering in to these conversations prayerfully. And I have loved learning what I've learned through this. I do not seek out conflict, but I am at a point in life where I will not avoid it just to keep the peace.

In one of my classes, a student was talking about how since she read all the Harry Potter Books, her mother let her go to a midnight showing of the movie. Having been to one myself, I was curious how she thought it was. It didn't matter which movie, nor did it matter if she enjoyed it. I didn't like any of them, and I didn't even bother reading the books. I was more interested in the people she saw there. She said, "um. That is the last midnight showing I'll ever go to. Those people are weirdos." I smiled and replied (which I will probably never have the ability to say ever again) "I agree. I'm too normal for that." My students looked at me in disbelief as they couldn't believe I would ever say such a bold faced lie to their faces. But man, it felt good to say.

Updates, Updates

Brian and I got married on June 20, 2009. It was the best day of my life. So far, being married has been such a blessing. I have to admit, for the most part, very little has changed. Even on our wedding day, it just felt like I had the opportunity to spend time with Brian. I love that he doesn't have to leave at the end of the night, and I love that I wake up next to him. The first few moments of my day are complete and utter gratitude and joy...when I roll over and see him sleeping there. I love being his wife. Although, I am trying to learn how to do it well. I will attempt to update my blog as often as I can, with what I'm learning...but sometimes time flies too quickly and I can hardly keep up. But, I will try. For right now, I can tell you that I learned today, that being a stay at home wife, is not my calling. Thank God He wanted me to be a teacher...because today, I was making popcorn on the stove, and I caught the stove on fire. I'm learning lessons, all around :)

Blind Faith

The other day, I was in the grocery store and I saw a little girl holding her daddy's hand. I smiled at them, because I always think it's cute when I see daddys being good daddys. Then, I noticed that the little girl was walking with her eyes closed, with absolutley no hesitation. She just trusted that her daddy would lead her in the right direction.

In that moment, I prayed that I would trust my Father that much.

I was reminded recently of a story that I've been thinking about constantly.

The Israelites out-fought the Amalekites as long as Moses held up his arms, but they started losing whenever he had to lower them. Finally, Moses was so tired that Aaron and Hur got a rock for him to sit on. Then they stood beside him and supported his arms in the same position until sunset. That's how Joshua defeated the Amalekites. (Exodus 17:8-16)

I have so many people in my life who hold up my arms for me when I can't hold them up myself. Thank you...some of you are my strongest supports.