Love has to be Vertical before Horizontal

2010-04-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

During our poetry unit, I had students write an “I Am” poem by filling in the blanks. For example, my sentence starter is “I worry about…” or “I cry for…” It was incredibly enlightening, so I combined one line from each poem and created one poem for each class period. After the teachers read these, we were so touched by them we decided that we would do a teacher poem so our students could have a glimpse into our hearts. Enjoy!

Period 1

I cry for my family, my sister, my dad, for being alone.

I hope I will make it to the NFL.

I understand I can’t succeed in everything, that all people make mistakes, that life is harder than it looks but has goodness.

I say I will succeed in life.

I hope I will always stay myself.

I want to be accepted, to be loved for me.

I pretend I have special abilities, that when I read that’s where I’m from, that problems don’t bother me, I pretend I’m accepted.

I wonder if anyone likes me, how far the stars are.

I dream the world can change.

I try to be a better person.

I feel stressed, that I can do anything, I feel the stress of being 13.

I touch the stars.

I hear people being ungrateful.

I want the adventure in this life so I don’t have to stay in this place.

I have faith that it will be better.

Period 2

I am careful, athletic, smart, funny.

I hear people giggling, whispers of ignorance.

I worry about my grandpa, my family, my sister, everything.

I worry a lot.

I understand one day I will die, that I will fail at times.

I cry for my family, my dad, my grandma.

I cry to be noticed, I cry for me.

I try to be kind, to be thankful.

I will be happy.

I am weird, imaginary, kind.

I pretend everything is always okay; everything is perfect, I’m always happy.

I pretend I’m not breaking on the inside.

I wonder if I can keep the ones I love with me forever, if I’ll ever find love, where the universe begins and ends.

I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I hope for peace.

I understand me and the limits of myself.

I feel sad, lovely, curious, confused.

I cry for my enemy, the bad that happened in the past.

I say I can change the world, practice makes perfect, never back down and try harder.

I wear my heart of my sleeve.

I dream that no one is hungry.

I want to be loved, to exist, to be the best, to have a good life.

I cry for everything, nothing, myself.

I pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I pretend I’m farther from here, if I smile, everything will be okay.

I wish to be happy with my life.

I am smart and hardworking, quiet and sad.

Period 4

I am artistic, happy, funny, nice, weird, outgoing, forgiving.

I wonder what the next chapter in my life will be like, if I’ll ever face fear, what tomorrow will bring, if anyone cares about me.

I hear hatred. I hear God leading me.

I see myself happy, proud. I see darkness.

I want to be a soccer player, to help others, to be happy, to be a good person.

I am lonely and depressed.

I wish I could be immune to pain, everything would fall into place, I could be loved, could fly away from bad habits.

I feel nothingness, lonely, sad at nights, that my life is changing.

I worry about my parents divorcing, my grades, that I will miss being a kid, about the way people see me, about dying alone, for others, for myself.

I cry for my uncle, about poverty, my grandma, my grandpa, my dad, about life, my mom.

I cry for my pain, I cry every night because I’m lonely.

I am awesome, curious, joyful, thankful, athletic.

I understand that life isn’t fair, that perfect isn’t real, people’s pain, that I’m not perfect, that I won’t always succeed.

I say never give up, Jesus rules, happiness is a gift.

I say try harder, God will come.

I dream for peace, for this ache to go away, of life, I’ll be the best I can ever be.

I try my best, to give 100%, to believe, to be tough.

I hope I will fly like an eagle someday.

I am faithful and blessed.

Period 8

I am smart and loving, weird, silly and respectful.

I wonder why people are so mean.

I see shame.

I want to reach my goals with my family by my side.

I want peace, respect, a life, to feel useful.

I want to be known.

I am funny, creative, athletic, honest, responsible, caring.

I wish there wasn’t hate in the world, that people would leave me alone.

I wish for gratitude, for peace, that life could fast forward,

I wish that people would be nicer to me, that I had more friends.

I feel stressed, worried, horrible, that the world is on my shoulders.

I feel strong, I feel that I can do anything.

I worry for grandma, my uncle, about my friend.

I worry for our school,

I worry that dad won’t come back.

I cry for my family, my grandparents, my cousin,

I cry for nothing, for being alone, for life.

I am kind.

I understand all people make mistakes, all people are different, that if I set a goal, I will achieve it.

I understand I’m not good at life, that I am not perfect.

I say believe anyway, everyone deserves a second chance, forgive.

I say little words with big meanings.

I dream that the world can change, that I can be the one to change the world

I dream of happiness, that life wouldn’t be so hard.

I try to be all I can be.

I hope I will succeed, that cancer can be cured, that I will always be myself.

I hope no one will ever try to change me.

I am listening.

Teachers:

I am self-motivated and easy going

I wonder if I will lose my job, what my dog would say if he could talk, how I will die, what more I can do

I hear the ocean, the roar of the crowd, the voice of God during difficult times

I see a future not so grim, I see success, I see potential

I want to be the best, to be cared for, to leave the world a better place than it was when I found it

I am competitive, determined and shy

I wish I was less quiet and shy toward meeting new people, that I could reach all my students, that life would slow down.

I feel pain when I can’t succeed, the stress of everyday life

I feel deeply blessed

I worry about my family, if my students will have a bright future, about losing a child, about finances, if my parents will get divorced

I cry when someone is upset, for my mother-in-law, for my grandpa, for my sister I no longer know, for the news and destruction around us

I am funny, caring, hard-headed.

I understand I can’t save everyone, that I may fail, that I have a hard time taking risks, that life isn’t fair

I say things happen for a reason, that we need to fight for our dreams

I say demand respect, life is what you make it, so give it all you’ve got

I say things are never as bad or good as they seem

I dream kids will seize every opportunity, about what life will be like in 10 years, that I will make a difference

I try to be better every day, to make myself a better person, to treat everyone equally, to help others

I hope I make the right choices, that people look out for one another

I hope my future is better than my past

I am patient.

Inner Strength

2010-04-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have been learning the value of waiting on the Lord. I've found that much strength will come as we wait upon him. In December, our school suffered a devastating blow. We lost funds that we were getting (and depending on). We immediately had to cut support staff. We were told this was round one of the cuts and that teachers were next. The next month, we had a staff member get arrested and suspended, which emotionally tore apart his current and past students. Then, in the month of March, they told us they would be cutting 11 teaching positions. That is 17% of our staff. This is huge to our small school. Other local schools with multiple buildings in their district only cut 3 or 4 positions. To us, 11 positions seems like too many. Too many to do business as usual. If the year wasn't difficult enough, waiting to find out if I had a job next year was.

I love my job. I was created to teach middle school Language Arts. If I lost by job, there is nothing else in the world I want to do. I love my job in a way that most people don't. I never call it "work," I always call it "school." Most days, I can't believe they pay me to do this. When I learned there would be a chance that I would lose my job, I experienced a sense of loss that I haven't felt in a while. On the night before they notified the teachers, I remembered my mother-in-law saying, "You can't see tears in the shower." So I went to the shower and poured my heart out to God. I became so scared, so unsure of my future, that I think I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. I felt like I needed to reach my ultimate breaking point in order to stand back up again and continue to be the strong person I was pretending to be. After my breakdown, I found an inner strength. But that night, I was scared because 24 hours from then, I would know if we would have to try to sell our house, if I'd be pulling out my resume or if I would feel security in a way I hadn't all school year. Either way, in 24 hours from that night, my heart would be breaking for myself, for my co-workers, for my school, but most importantly for my students. This loss will affect them the most. Fortunately, I learned the next day that my job is secure. I also learned that they are not done with cuts. I will continue to wait upon the Lord, and strength will continue to rise.

Each Word is a Gift

2010-04-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. -Ephesians 4:29

I have recently learned the value of being assertive. By nature, I've always been a passive person. I used to avoid conflict at all costs. I didn't like to call people out on things when they were wrong (except my sisters) and I didn't like to be called out when I was wrong. So, I just kept quiet. In the past couple years, I have learned that being passive is not the best option...especially if you want something to change. I've learned the value of being assertive. Not the value of being aggressive, which I believe should be left for people who are fighting diseases, but being assertive. If you are unhappy with a situation or a relationship, instead of dwelling on it and being negative, do something about it. There is always a kind way to address any situation. I've found that I feel better knowing that I can stand up for what I believe, when I make it clear how I want to be treated, what I will stand for, and what I refuse to be a part of. I find it to be totally empowering. However, mastering the last part of the Ephesians verse is the most challenging to me: Say only what helps, each word is a gift.

I have been entering in to these conversations prayerfully. And I have loved learning what I've learned through this. I do not seek out conflict, but I am at a point in life where I will not avoid it just to keep the peace.

2009-09-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

In one of my classes, a student was talking about how since she read all the Harry Potter Books, her mother let her go to a midnight showing of the movie. Having been to one myself, I was curious how she thought it was. It didn't matter which movie, nor did it matter if she enjoyed it. I didn't like any of them, and I didn't even bother reading the books. I was more interested in the people she saw there. She said, "um. That is the last midnight showing I'll ever go to. Those people are weirdos." I smiled and replied (which I will probably never have the ability to say ever again) "I agree. I'm too normal for that." My students looked at me in disbelief as they couldn't believe I would ever say such a bold faced lie to their faces. But man, it felt good to say.

Updates, Updates

2009-07-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

Brian and I got married on June 20, 2009. It was the best day of my life. So far, being married has been such a blessing. I have to admit, for the most part, very little has changed. Even on our wedding day, it just felt like I had the opportunity to spend time with Brian. I love that he doesn't have to leave at the end of the night, and I love that I wake up next to him. The first few moments of my day are complete and utter gratitude and joy...when I roll over and see him sleeping there. I love being his wife. Although, I am trying to learn how to do it well. I will attempt to update my blog as often as I can, with what I'm learning...but sometimes time flies too quickly and I can hardly keep up. But, I will try. For right now, I can tell you that I learned today, that being a stay at home wife, is not my calling. Thank God He wanted me to be a teacher...because today, I was making popcorn on the stove, and I caught the stove on fire. I'm learning lessons, all around :)

Blind Faith

2009-06-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was in the grocery store and I saw a little girl holding her daddy's hand. I smiled at them, because I always think it's cute when I see daddys being good daddys. Then, I noticed that the little girl was walking with her eyes closed, with absolutley no hesitation. She just trusted that her daddy would lead her in the right direction.

In that moment, I prayed that I would trust my Father that much.

2009-06-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

I was reminded recently of a story that I've been thinking about constantly.

The Israelites out-fought the Amalekites as long as Moses held up his arms, but they started losing whenever he had to lower them. Finally, Moses was so tired that Aaron and Hur got a rock for him to sit on. Then they stood beside him and supported his arms in the same position until sunset. That's how Joshua defeated the Amalekites. (Exodus 17:8-16)

I have so many people in my life who hold up my arms for me when I can't hold them up myself. Thank you...some of you are my strongest supports.

2009-06-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

Last week I moved out of Greenfield. I moved in with a family who has loved me unconditionally from the moment I met them. They are cousins of Brians...and they are the most phenomenal people I've ever met. The day after I moved in, Pam, the mom of the family, found out she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been painful, but this family takes every setback in stride. As Pam walked in the door that day, I went right up to her and gave her a hug. The first thing she said was, "God must be ready to use this to witness to others."

Have you ever heard words from the mouth of a newly-diagnosed cancer patient? Humbling.

We are learning a lot in this house. God surely is moving. He's teaching us that he is the owner of our bodies, that trusting in God's timing is key, that even servants need to be served.

What a Life!

2009-05-21T19:09:00.001-07:00

I have this bedside table that I love. It's so old. The paint is chipping off, and when you pull out the drawers, the entire front panel falls off. As I was packing up my apartment, Brian said I should throw it out because it really is old and a piece of junk. He said he'd buy me a new one...but I just love the one I have. So, I moved it to Shelbyville, and Brian begrudgingly put it in his room.

Last night when I got there I noticed a few things: Brian had already cooked dinner (so I didn't have to--YAY!!), he cooked dessert, and the bedside table was gone.

My first thought was, "He would not even throw that out without talking to me about it, would he? Oh gosh. He did, that's why he's cooking me dinner so he can tell me that he threw it out. He thinks dinner would make that all right?" I immediately jumped to conclusions, and I really had no reason to. Brian has never done anything like that before. So finally, he said, "well, I wanted it to be a surprise..."

And he pulled out the night stand from the closet...sanded and glued and fixed and everything. He was refinishing it for me. What a wonderful, servant-hearted man. I share stories like that with my juvi girls...and it brings them such hope...and raises their expectations for what they truly deserve. I love that I get to brag about him...and share what an example he is of being a Godly, genuinely good man.

What a life!

Wait for the good one

2009-05-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

One of the continual and biggest blessings in my life is volunteering at Juvi. I go up there every Thursday night for about two hours and spend time with all the girls in the facility. Usually we have about 15...sometimes way more, sometimes less. Either way, I walk out of that building with such a peace in my heart because I'm doing what I'm called to do: love the kids that others find unlovable.

Occasionally, girls group will take a turn when I don't expect it. Most of the time it's good. Tonight was one of those nights.

We were going to make baby blankets for police officers to give to children who need the comfort at the scene of an incident. But all the girls could even begin to focus on was boys. Always boys. I have a staff member that is with me every week...and we team up. She'll say something like, "I want you girls to listen to Heather tell you about the guy in her life." And all the girls listen. She'll ask questions she already knows the answers to--just to hear me share my story--or share my faith.

Tonight she said, "since you won't stop talking about boys, I want to hear about Heather's guy. Heather, what makes your relationship different with Brian?"

And I shared it all. I told them that I used to think I was one of those girls who would never deserve that guy that treats her like a princess. Then, I met Brian. From the beginning, we set boundaries that we would both stick to until our wedding day--no matter who either of us married. I shared how amazing it is to be able to hold on to my purity, so I will be able to give that to my husband. I told them how it is so amazing to finally meet someone who deserves my whole heart...and how amazing it is to be able to give that to him...not just the pieces left over. They said, "yeah, but I don't think that there are any more good guys left. Even if they are, they are not always good..."

I told them to wait. Wait for the good ones. The bad ones are everywhere you turn. There are good guys...you just have to be patient. Then one girl started crying. She said she doesn't deserve a guy that would treat her well. We talked about forgiveness. Before she left, I asked if she needed a hug. She said she doesn't do hugs. This beautiful girl has these walls built up around her heart. I will wait patiently as they come down, because I believe in a God who tore down mine.

2009-05-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

Friday night, at 9:00, I'm at a choir concert at school. I'm sitting there watching the kids, thinking to myself...I absolutley love the kids up on that stage. Then I realized, how many people stay at work until 9 pm on Friday...and still can honestly say they love what they do? I am at a stage in my life that I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't go back in time, and I wouldn't fast forward time. My life will never be like this...ever again. And I'm enjoying every single second.

Handle with Care

2009-05-15T14:04:00.001-07:00

In the book that I am reading, it mentions divorce. It says, "For some reason, it always seemed natural to happen when their kids were in fourth grade...I wondered what is was about fourth grade that was so stressful on a marriage, or maybe it was just hitting that ten-to-fifteen year mark...Part of what I loved about being married to Sean was the ease of it--letting him see me when my hair was Medusa-wild in the mornings and kiss me when my teeth weren't brushed yet, knowing which television show to click on when we sat down with a mutual sigh on the couch, instinctively recognizing which drawer housed his underwear or T-shirts or jeans. So much of marriage was implicit and nonverbal. Had I gotten so complacent that I'd forgotten to communicate?"

It's so easy to get to the point in a relationship that two people who live together and both wear rings on their left ring finger, become simply that: roommates. I wonder how a couple "survives marriage." A co-worker recently told me the answer is simple. You choose to survive. I will always choose Brian. I will always choose his heart. Even over my own. Not because I have to...or because I feel obligated to...but honestly, in my heart, because I want to. The next part is not to never get too complacent.

2009-05-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

If a principal wants us to do a character development unit on Purity, I think it's sad that in our society, teachers are scared to do it. I find it even more sad that some teachers refuse to do it.

What a blessing for me, that I work for a man who won't take no for an answer.

2009-05-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

"A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child takes. A good mother is someone whose child wants to follow her."

Happy Mother's Day to all the women in my life that I want to follow.

Tips on having a successful marriage--from 6th Graders.

2009-05-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

Once in a while, I have my students do "Free Writes" where they can write about anything on their mind. Sometimes, I give them prompts so if they don't have any ideas, they can answer my questions. In light of the upcoming wedding, suggested that they give me suggestions on "how to be married" Several (actually most) of my students asked if they could give Mr. Toney advice. I've bolded some of my personal favorites. I hope you enjoy these as much as I:

Advice to me:

-Don't take the TV away from Mr. Toney.
-Be happy at all times. Don't be sad like the grumpy like those old women in kid stories...oh, one more thing, you inspire me.
-If a man is playing XBOX 360 GET OUT OF HIS WAY.
-Never cheat on Mr. Toney, and if he cheats, torture him to death.
-Get Mr. Toney a leash, don't let him out of your sight.
-Can you ask Mr. Toney if I can be in the wedding? (I've never been in a wedding!! PLEASE!!)
-Never yell at him for watching sports.
-Give him lots of food.
-Don't have kids unless you talk about it (they whine)
-If Mr. Toney likes to read, have reading time.
-Never buy a hampster.
-Don't let your cat come to the wedding.
-Don't act too dingy.
-Always have dinner ready.
-Don't forget the cake.
-Say stuff simply and easy to understand.

Advice to Mr. Toney:

-You should make Ms. Laughlin coffee in the morning
-If she gets a haircut, try to notice.
-Don't be afraid to ask for directions.
-No selective hearing, please.
-You should do some chores around the house
-Never take away her book.
-Be nice to Ms. Laughlin
-You should take Ms. Laughlin to a fancy dinner every once in a while.
-You should bring Ms. Laughlin lunch to school
-For her birthday, don't take her to a fast food restaurant.
-Do the dishes.
-You should take Ms. Laughlin to work sometimes.
-You should always talk right around Ms. Laughlin
-Don't talk back to her when she asks you to do something.
-Get Ms. Laughlin whatever she wants
-Be glad to her.
-Do what she says.
-Get her a pretty wedding ring.
-Listen to her when she is talking...trust me.
-Respect her
-Take care of her when she is sick-fix her soup, let her sit around all day.
-When you two are watching TV, let her pick the channel
-When she is sick, you should take care of her and get her whatever she wants.
-You should make breakfast for her.
-You should never try to make Ms. Laughlin mad, because you don't want to mess with Ms. Laughlin.
-Don't miss any important dates, like her birthday.
-Don't let her lift a finger.
-Clean up after yourself.
-Help around the house without being asked.
-Don't keep secrets.
-Don't use slang. MAKE SURE TO USE PROPER GRAMMER.
-Never say ain't.
-Don't be mean.
-Be there when she is sad, angry, excited, full of joy, or even cranky.
-Tell her she is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
-Be her knight in shining armor.
-Be a gentleman at all times.
-Don't let her shop too much.
-Don't let her spend money of lots of clothes, cuz she has a bunch.
-Don't let her talk about school all the time.
-Give her flowers and chocolate (every girl loves those)
-Buy her books, she likes to read.

Tips to having a successful marriage from my 6th grade class.

Make a difference every day.

2009-05-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

Last week, I pulled a piece of tape off my classroom door, and instead of throwing it out, I handed it to one of my students who was sitting in the front row. I said to her, "Here you go, it's a gift."

She looked at me and said, "Thank you. I still have the last gift you gave me. I'll put this piece of tape with the other."

Not remembering what she was talking about, I said, "what gift?"

She replied, "At the beginning of the year, you were collecting papers, and a scrap fell off of one of them. You picked it up, handed it to me, and said that I could keep it as a gift. It's on my bulletin board at home. I look at it every night."

I don't have any recollection of that "gift" but what I will never forget is how thankful she was, and how one simple comment, or act of kindness can be so valued and treasured. It didn't matter that both things I gave her should have belonged in the trash can. What matters is that she felt important and wanted to keep that as a memory of how she felt.

I guess the essential question is: What can we intentionally do today, to create a positive memory for someone?

me vs. me

2009-05-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

Laura posted pictures from my bridal shower and bachelorette party. I looked at them several times because I was so surprised at what I saw. I feel like we have such twisted views of ourselves. Like we think we look one way, when really, we look totally different. I honestly didn't recognize myself in those pictures. It's not that I'm insecure or self-concious. I was comfortable with myself 35 pounds heavier...but I just don't recognize myself in the pictures--because that's not who I see.

I love working out, love running, love eating healthy, love the results. I just want to continue going strong and loving every breath of air that I take.

Soul Mate

2009-03-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it" (Eat, Pray, Love p. 149).

Over the past year, I've lost someone that I'd consider my soul mate. They are not lost in the sense that they are gone--but rather, lost in the sense that I see them often, and yet, we've become so detached from each others lives. In fact, so detached that we can't even connect on the deep stuff...the deep stuff that used to fill our every conversation. It's been painful. Deeply painful. Is it easier to lose someone who dies? or someone who is still alive? I never thought to "thank God for it" because I've been too busy praying for a return.

But, because of the loss of a soul mate, I believe another has come in... and I do "thank God for" that. But I still miss the first like you wouldn't even believe.

Grocery Store Moms

2009-03-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

I have learned a lot about parenting--thanks to teaching and going to Walmart. From teaching, I learned that after you meet the parents--everything makes sense. If you absolutely love a child, you find (9 times out of 10) that the parents are phenomenal people. If a child has temper problems, cusses, or other similar bad habits...they learned them from their parents.

Then I go to Walmart, and learn even more about parenting. In one aisle, you have the child who is throwing a temper tantrum and the average shoppers are staring at that situation wondering if the child's scream is louder than the parent's yell. But then, I turned the aisle, and saw the most precious thing. A mom was pushing her son (who was sitting in the child's seat in the cart) and was leaning over so she was eye-level with her son. They were talking quietly, and then the mother took both hands and cupped them around her son's face and kissed his forehead. It was the most tender, loving action...especially compared to what I just had seen.

Parenting: dictatorship or an exercise of grace?

2008-09-16T18:36:00.001-07:00

Cathedrals have tried in vainTo show the image of your face.But we are, by your design,The signature of divine.

A Diamond is Forever

2008-09-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

I've gotten out of the routine of blogging. This weekend when I went camping, I realized that I missed it because it forces you to slow down and take a closer look at the life you lead.

Since my last post, I started a new year of teaching, went to Greece and fell head over heels in love with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

In June, I will become Mrs. Heather Toney. I still have moments when it all seems surreal. The rest of my moments feel like it is too good to be true. I am marrying the most incredible person I've ever met.

This weekend we went camping with my Indiana Family. The adults were sitting around the campfire after playing a dangerous round of Spoons. The kids felt left out that they were not included, so Brian got up, and began another round of Spoons with the kids. I looked over at him laughing and joking with the kids, and I thought...if only everyone could be this lucky.

One of the things that I love most about him, is his compassion for the people that mean the most to me. I overheard him talking to someone about his sisters and how much he cares for them...it threw me off guard because Brian is an only child. It took me a minute to realize he was talking about the little girls that I grew up with. It brought tears to my eyes to overhear him talking to someone about how protective he is of his sisters.

On Friday, I was teaching my sixth grade students about symbolism. I learned that a diamond symbolizes consistancy. I wear his diamond on my left ring finger, and I've never found this symbolism to be so true. Brian is the most consistant thing in my life. It would truly be an honor to spend the rest of my life loving and serving Brian with every fiber of my being.

As the next 9 months of my life will be busy and focused on lots of little details of our wedding, my goal is to make it a point to slow down and take a closer look at the things I am most thankful for.

2008-05-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

There comes a point with people we love when we can no longer separate ourselves from them. When they are in pain, you wipe a tear off your own cheek because it just dropped from their eye.

Patience, Grasshopper.

2008-05-02T14:37:00.001-07:00

The whole world is filled with buttons and not one of them is mine.

If we take a minute to look through God's eyes, would our priorities shift?

2008-05-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

If we take a minute to look through God's eyes, would our priorities shift?

Last Sunday, after church, I decided that I wasn't going to do anything else except pack since I'm moving in a few weeks. So, once I got home I was ready to get to work. Nothing was going to take me away from my packing.

Until I checked my cell phone. I missed a call from Jessie, the girl I had custody of this year. I called her back and she asked if I could come pick her up--she needed to get out of the house and needed to talk. She ended up spending the day with me. She didn't want to tell me because she thought I'd be disappointed, but she is back in the same pit she was before she got up in Juvi. We talked for hours, until it was time for me to go to youth group. I was at youth group till it was time to get my lessons ready for the week. My full day of packing went down the tubes.

I was beating myself up because that was my last weekend at home until I have to move. So now I'll have to pack during the school week instead of using large chunks of weekend time. I thought to myself, "way to go--you got absolutely NOTHING done."

Then a 2 by 4 hit me. God looked at the day and probably saw the most productive day ever. I look at the day and saw what I could have done. God sees that spending a whole day investing time in the youth is time well spent.

Oh, the change of perspective is so welcomed in my life.

Can we complain if we don't do anything about it?

2008-04-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

The other day, Brian and I went into this store where the two people working probably hadn't had a customer all day. They were deep in a conversation, and to be honest, I don't think they knew or cared that we were there. They were talking about how glad they were that a law was just passed saying that parents can't blame anyone but themselves for the way their children turn out. They can no longer blame music, video games or television for their child's violent actions.

The two people working (around my age) continued to talk about how they couldn't believe kids these days. When they were younger, things were different. They respected people. The future of our world is damned if these kids are the future.

Of course since I'm a teacher, a youth leader, and a volunteer at the Juvenile Center, this conversation intrigued me. I started thinking about what they were talking about... at first, I was outraged. How can they say these things about the kids that I spend nearly every minute of the day serving? How can they be so quick to place the blame? What are they doing to fix the problem that they so clearly see? What about looking at things through the eyes of a twelve year old girl who looks through the bars and windows to the outside world everyday? What about looking at the little girl who sits in Juvi and asks the volunteer, "What does it feel like to walk on grass barefooted? I can't remember..."

Granted, I am an advocate of the youth...and sometimes, I have to be the voice for the voiceless. So maybe I am a little biased. But if they took the time they spent complaining, and put it toward looking into the eyes of a kid who is lost, there would be that much less violence. Instead of using their words to tear down the youth, why not use the words to build them up? Instead of criticizing teenagers, why not talk to them? Instead of pointing a finger at them, why not just give them the whole hand. So many of these kids need one.

I wanted to walk up to this girl on her soapbox. I wanted to tell her that she should walk into the juvenile center and answer just one question. Most likely, the kid would say, "I want so desperately to be out of this pit...but I've never met anyone who can help me get out--or at least tell me how."

Want a solution? First, go to church. Not in a church building. I'm talking about Church in a Cell. Once you get past the barbed wire fence, the guards and the bars, you will meet Jesus. At least, that where I've met him on a deeper level than I've ever met him in a church building. Then, use your words. Not to complain, but to help put an end to the problems you so freely complain about. If you do nothing about the problem--you have no room to complain about the solution.

2008-04-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

"At this moment, there are 6 billion, 470 million, 818 thousand, 6 hundred and 71 people in this world. Some are running scared, some are running home, some tell lies to make it through the day; others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good and some are good struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world. 6 billion souls.

And sometimes, all you need is one."

Tonight, "Girls Group" begins at Juvi. Maybe tonight will be the beginning of a journey for some of these girls. Maybe tonight will cause at least one to think differently. Maybe tonight, a lost girl will begin realizing that out of the 6 billion people in this world--there is one who cares for her. And maybe tonight, one girl will realize that tonight--out of the 6 billion people doing 6 billion different things on this earth--she matters.

Good luck, God--you're about to move--I can feel it.

ready, set, GOd.

The mess in my head hits paper

2008-03-14T22:01:00.001-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time at Juvi... the kids call it "The Hill." I've been hanging out with some kids up there...and I'm learning about God in a totally different way. One conversation was flooring. The girl said that she actually could live up there because it's the first time in her life that she hasn't had to deal with constant arguing. How sad is it that we've created a place for her in this world where the only place she feels safe is a jail? "The Hill" is supposed to be a place where the kids who make others unsafe go. Am I the only one that sees the irony in this situation?

What can we do, as Christians, to change this? Something has to be done.

I will be the candle in the darkness.
I will be the hand of heaven reaching out.
I will be the mirror that reflects your unending love.
I will be the hope to the hopeless.
When there is conflict, I will be the peace that is needed.

Only by the power of Your Spirit living in me.

Belated Valentine's Day

2008-02-26T11:12:00.001-08:00

I have never been big on Valentine's Day. But this year was a Valentine's Day I'll never forget. Since I had a major swim meet on Valentine's Day, Brian and I celebrated on Valentine's Day Eve. It was so sweet. Brian planned to cook this wonderful meal. When he got to my house, he told me that we were going to go out to a local chocolate store, so I can pick out the chocolates that I like...that way I wouldn't get any that I didn't like. As he walked me out to the car, I noticed this beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting in the passenger's seat. They were gorgeous! So, we went back inside to the put the flowers in the house, and as I'm bringing in the flowers, Brian is bringing the stuff for the dinner. We put them both on the counter and went to the candy store.

When we got home, the food was all over the house. The really nice rolls that Brian got for us had chunks missing, claw marks, bite marks, and the plastic bag it came in had holes all over it. Yep. I then found the culprit:

Brian made Valentine's Day wonderful. Then, the next day, I get to school and receive these gifts from my students:

(Yes, this is a half eaten chocolate fish...this picture is exactly as it was when I received it. )

Yes, a cough drop.

This card is from the boys... yes, everything is spelled wrong...on purpose.

I feel like a 23 year old again.

2008-02-08T15:31:00.000-08:00

Jessie moved out three weeks after moving in. She got in trouble at school, and our deal was, that if she got in trouble, she would lose her cell phone. When she knew she was going to lose it, she ran away. I was just heart broken. She ran to a place where she knew she could do whatever she wanted and have no rules. I just want what's best for her. That's not what's best, but there's nothing I can do about it.

It was hard, but now things are getting back to normal. I can go back to eating green beans for dinner. When Brian and I go on dates, I don't need to find a babysitter.

But I miss her terribly. I can't walk by her room without my head hanging down or my shoulders slouching.

God is faithful. What little we have, we can turn into something big and beautiful.

I'm a mom...kinda.

2008-01-22T07:56:00.000-08:00

The past two weeks have been life-changing. I became a guardian to a 15 year old girl. If you read my xanga posts, you would know this girl as the girl that cussed me out everyday last year. It's kinda a long story-but she wanted to get out of her home so badly that she was willing to check herself into Juvi. She came in to school to withdraw, and I couldn't allow that to happen. Juvi would blow out that light inside of her.

So, on Sunday, January 13, Jessie moved in with me. It's been a hard transition. I've gone from living, dating, eating by myself on my schedule, to being responsible for her 24/7. She's gone through a tough transition of having no rules, to having my rules. She's still a 15 year old girl, wants freedom, is homesick, and thrown into living with her old teacher. It's been crazy. I prayed for this girl forever, and I just didn't know that God wanted me a part of the solution. So far it's been good--she's been happier, clean, and her self-esteem has come up.

When I prayed about doing this, I was reminded by these few verses and quotes:

Hebrews 13:2

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

*****

Let's be honest, it's easy to go to a church service, it's easy to read a bible. It's easy to discuss who believes what and who is right, and who is wrong. It's easy. But when Jesus talks about his followers, he talks about people who are generous, people who clothe the naked, take food to the hungry, take water to the thirsty, people who visit prisoners, who invite strangers into their home. People who give their time, their money, their energy.

*****
Here and now, the only part of eternity that we get to touch is each other. As sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, we tend to live as isolated beings, locked into the invisible walls of our mind. We need to reach beyond our fears because we need each other; right beside us is another soul who longs for a home, another soul who can help us discern the signs along life's road, as they give us input and as we reach out to them.

If I call myself a Christian, I have to be willing to love like Christ loves. Lord, I can't do this alone.